If you read my post about growing up without a father, you may find that I have a story to tell. Actually, I have a lot of them. Some funny, some heartwarming, some really, really horrid.
I didn’t have your typical All-American childhood. Quite honestly, I didn’t have much of a childhood at all. I acquired years of maturity long before my body caught up with them. There are a few people in my life that I have chosen to share the details of my past with, but for the most part, people don’t know. I kept certain parts of my life under lock and key to avoid the hard, painful memories, the looks of pity, the judgement for things that were out of my control. Recently though, I have felt that keeping my lips sealed has been a hindrance to my life. I have allowed all the secrets of the past to harden my heart in certain areas, making it impossible to bypass the obstacles until I can finally relinquish it all.
Not long ago, our pastor preached a sermon about how we allow Satan to plant roots of bitterness in our hearts that can later grow so strong that they suffocate the good things, making it difficult for us to let Christ’s love emanate from ourselves. We become so engrossed in how we felt, in how things were unfair, how we wish something, some circumstance had been different, that we lose our focus. My toes were especially sore after that service, and I’ve been struggling with it ever since. I want so desperately to be close to my Savior, to feel secure in my life, to not always be looking over my shoulder for the next person to do something hurtful and I’ve finally realized that the only person keeping me from achieving these things is me. I have clung so hard to the events in my past that I can’t move on until I let them go. This is not an easy feat for me. Some things weave their tendrils so intricately through our minds that to let them go feels like you are losing a part of yourself. I know, because this is exactly how I’ve felt for quite some time. But, I’ve also come to see how this inability, or rather, refusal to release has taken a toll on relationships in my life. With my husband. With my children. With other members of the family. With potential friendships. I have to let it go. So, in order to delve into this process, I’ve decided to share with you, my readers, however few and hope that somehow, not only will I grow, but maybe, just maybe, my story can help someone else too.
I’ve decided to post a little “chapter” of my story at least once a week. I also have to let you all know that everything I reveal will only be told from my perspective, I cannot vouch for how others involved felt or experienced certain events, but in the end, can any of us? So, I hope you will stick around to learn more about me, and maybe even share some about you too!